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When Nanny itches uncontrollably beneath her stockings and reports an abnormal vaginal discharge, the babies immerse themselves in the world of sexually transmitted diseases.


Join Kermit, Piggy, Rolf, Fozzie and the rest of the gang as they discover the consequences of risky behavior in this groundbreaking new series.


Muppet Scabies is available Tuesday on DVD and Blu-ray.

Stouffer's Introduces New Line Of Chicken Pot Pools

Stouffer's has come up with an innovative way for families to relax and unwind together while enjoying a home cooked meal.

What do we love most about their new line of 54" above ground Chicken Pot Pools?

Effervescent Deity Turns Water Into Arbor Mist

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Soda Jerk Actually Pretty Nice Guy

Obama Taps Wayans Brothers to Head 'Don't Be a Menace' Task Force

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today announced a new White House task force on the problems of being a menace to South Central while drinking one’s juice in the hood, installing Shawn and Marlon Wayans as its co-chairmen.

"With this task force, the president gives hope to kids who grew up in the projects like us,” pledged the Wayans Brothers. “We must ensure that these little bitch ass motherfuckers finish school, ‘cause without an education, the only kind of work they’re gonna get is sellin’ drugs, pimpin’ women, or workin’ security for Eddie Murphy.”

The Wayanses set several goals for the task force, including expanding opportunities for education, training, and all kinds of ill shit; bangin’ some fine ass bitches; and turnin’ that loud ass mothafuckin music down so a nigga can crack a book open in peace.

In the feature film from which the task force derives its name, the protagonist, Ashtray, is sent to live with his dad to learn how to be a man. In President Obama’s memoir, Dreams from my Father, he describes how his own relationship with his absentee father shaped his life.

“I know how it is in the hood. In the hood, everybody’s a target,” said Obama. “That is why I have signed a memorandum to create this task force - and why I have asked Shawn and Marlon to lead it. I believe, if we act boldly and swiftly, that in this moment we can work through our differences and make the hood a place where all our dreams can come true."

Obama then rolled a fat-ass joint and smoked it before taking questions from reporters.

“Damn, this is some good shit,” the president remarked, just before Marlon Wayans snatched the blunt right out of his hands.

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Bush Fails to Intimidate Windsock

Despite Lackluster Fielding Abilities, Malia Obama Routinely Picked First for Kickball

American Idol, Color Bars Steer Fox to Easy Ratings Victory

A technical glitch immediately following Wednesday's American Idol, resulting in nearly 45 minutes of continuous color bars, propelled Fox to its highest post-Idol ratings in three seasons, reports the A.C. Nielsen Co.

The color bars, which retained 92% of the juggernaut’s lead-in, were accompanied by a high-pitched, shrill noise from approximately 9:03-9:46 PM. The final 14 minutes of frosh drama Lie to Me rounded out the hour. The color bar/Lie to Me hour bested its closest competitor, CBS’s Criminal Minds, by nearly 10 million viewers.

Homemaker Kathy Reynolds had the television on in another room and didn’t notice the snafu.

“I heard an annoying screeching,” said Reynolds, “but I figured it was just back-to-back episodes of ‘Til Death.”

A Cure for America

From: David Plouffe, BarackObama.com
Date: Tues, Jan 27, 2009 at 7:55am
Subject: A Cure for America
To: Josh Kossack

Dear Josh,

As you may or may not already know, Michelle Obama has a yeast infection.

In the past, a First Lady’s gynecological issues like these have often been secretive and funded by the D.C. lobbying and corporate community.

But, like in the campaign, we've decided to do things differently.

Time and again, you have stepped up to support Barack and Michelle’s movement in inspiring ways. Now you can help give the First Lady the inaugural gynecological treatment she needs at a critical time in our nation’s history.

Michelle’s first priority is to be "mother-in-chief" -- getting her two daughters settled and used to their new life in the White House. Helping working women achieve a desirable work/life balance and assisting military families are also incredibly important to her.

But the First Lady can’t accomplish these agendas with an itchy vagina.

Here’s where you can play a key role.

Can you share your stories of homemade remedies to provide symptomatic relief or cure the infection altogether?

Would you recommend an OB/GYN in the DC area?

Will you make a donation of $25 or more before midnight tonight? Your investment could go toward the co-pay of Michelle’s historic gynecological appointment.

You believed in the President and First Lady’s message of change and helped build the grassroots movement that made history.

Together we’re building something historic, and we can’t let a little vaginal bacteria slow the momentum.

I look forward to hearing from you.

David

David Plouffe
Campaign Manager

FCC Pulls Plug on Nick at Nite after According to Jim Acquisition

NEW YORK—In a blow to sitcom repeats spanning several generations, the Federal Communications Commission revoked Nick at Nite’s programming license on Friday after the network purchased the rights to ABC sitcom According to Jim.

“Nickelodeon clearly has no barometer when it comes to classic television, or common decency for that matter,” remarked FCC Chairman Kevin J. Martin.

Nick at Nite, the Nickelodeon channel’s primetime and overnight block, has gradually shifted from airing nostalgic favorites such as Andy Griffith and I Love Lucy in favor of more current fare.

“First it was the Coach marathons as part of their ‘Block Party Summer’ a few years ago,” Martin continued. “Then back-to-back episodes of Wings surfaced weeknights at nine last fall. But we will not turn a blind eye to eight insufferable seasons of the antics of Jim Belushi and company masquerading as quality programming.”

Nickelodeon has not settled on a long-term plan for its late night programming. In the meantime, outtakes from Zoey 101 and Drake & Josh will run on a continuous loop.

Congress Approves Bed Bath & Beyond Stimulus Package

WASHINGTON—In a bid to jumpstart the ailing economy and boost sales at the nation’s top domestics and home furnishings superstore, Congress voted to send Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to over 130 million American families this month.

The 20-percent off vouchers, which may be used at more than 880 Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide, can be redeemed for discounts on any one of hundreds of thousands of items.

“I’m very happy that the vast majority of Americans will have the opportunity to save on brand-name and private label table linens, pillow shams and picture frames,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, told reporters. But he expressed dismay the coupons omit a number of provisions Democrats had sought, including the ability to save on multiple items and premium brands such as Baby Planet, Margaritaville and Tommy Bahama, measures that Senate Republicans opposed.

The agreement came shortly after Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner urged Congress to move quickly to aid Americans who are struggling to purchase bed linens, patio furniture, and small household appliances.

“While many American families already receive these generous monthly discounts, we believe that the added incentive to buy items such as the Cuisinart Supreme Commercial Quality Ice Cream Maker, the Homedics Shiatsu Heated Neck Pillow, or the Ped Egg Foot File will inject millions of dollars into the economy at this very crucial juncture.”

Geithner added that if consumers find a lower price at a competitor, BB&B will meet that price. Exceptions may apply; prices only valid in the continental U.S. See store for details.

'Sisterhood of the Traveling Ants in the Pants' Opens to Modest $9.6 Million

White House Kitchen's Sides, Condiments Served in 'Rahmekins'

Despite Mom's Meteoric Rise, Trig Palin Still Retarded

Hocus Focus Creator Finds Six Hypothetical Differences in Whatever’s Right in Front of Him

LAKE WORTH, FL— Hocus Focus creator Henry Boltinoff reported Monday that he has spent much of his adulthood finding between at least six variations in every day life situations.

“Take this morning, for instance," said Boltinoff in an interview. "I take a walk down my street, see a pretty lady, and then I look away. When I turn back, her hemline is shorter, her left arm has been repositioned, a fence is three inches shorter, and a cloud is prominently missing from the sky."

Boltinoff, who has drawn the strip for over 30 years, has debated taking some time off in order to reclaim his grip on reality.

“I suppose it would be nice to live in a world in which street lamps, vases, or my glasses didn’t vanish without logic or reason,” he added. "But that's where I get my inspiration I suppose."

While Boltinoff admits frustration with his distorted view of reality in his old age, he still enjoys baffling sharp-eyed readers and looks forward to perplexing future generations of potential crime scene witnesses.

U.S. Government Bails Out CW Network in Last-Ditch Effort to Salvage Something

WASHINGTON— The U.S. Government provided a $5 billion rescue package last week to the fledgling CW Television Network amidst growing concerns about the danger a collapse could pose to the female 18-34 demographic.

The action, announced by the Federal Reserve and America’s Next Top Model host Tyra Banks, was taken as the nation faces its most severe financial crisis since the 1930s.

“We are confident that a creatively resurgent and profitable CW will increase consumer confidence and boost the Dow Jones closer to the 12,000 mark,” said Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson.

With just days left in office, President Bush called the 111th Congress into an emergency session over the weekend to hear story pitches, deliver notes on scripts, and hold casting sessions.

"Spotted – Dan putting on the watch that Serena van der Woodson gave him last Christmas," read Bush from next week’s table draft of Gossip Girl. "Here’s an inside tip, Lonely Boy. The longer you wait, the more it’ll hurt. Hope that leather bound journal breaks your fall.”

"You know you love me. XOXO," he added.

The Obama administration gave a vote of confidence to the bailout at a press conference on Monday when Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel drew parallels between the great economic challenges ahead of this nation and the drama unfolding on One Tree Hill.

“We do not know what the future holds,” said Emanuel. “But we face the exciting possibility of dreams come true and the heartbreaking reality that being an adult isn't as easy as it seems.”

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pushed for sweeping storyline reforms across the Tuesday and Thursday night lineups.

"It is in our nation’s best interests that Luke Perry reprises his role as Dylan McKay on 90210 before the wedge separating Brenda and Kelly becomes insurmountable,” said Pelosi.

Reid added that Lex Luthor’s absence on Smallville this season opens the door for some exciting stunt casting. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman and Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank have reportedly inked to play villains later this season.

The step marks the beginning of a dramatic turnaround for the CW Network, which just last season was bleeding viewers and rumored to be on the chopping block. But its success in establishing a base of young female viewers and a clear brand identity led the Fed to take an active interest.

Jewish Fortune Cookies Dispense Coupons, Guilt

Blondie Speechless as Dagwood Late for Carpool Again

Foosball Players Face Stiff Competition

Long-Awaited Bowel Movement Good to the Last Plop

Nash Bridges Reference Lost on Eight Year-Old

Religious Slap Bracelets Not-So-Gentle Reminders to Keep the Faith

Treasury Dept Releases "Barely Legal" Tender

Ask the Felicity DVD Liner Notes

Dear Felicity DVD Liner Notes,

I recently discovered that my husband of three months likes to pleasure himself while he thinks I’m asleep. While I believed we had a healthy sex life in having intercourse twice a week, I fear I’m not satisfying him. I have been too embarrassed to say anything when he is taking care of business on his own. How should I let him know that I know what’s going on?

--Sleepless in Savannah

Dear Sleepless,

Starring Golden Globe(R)-winning actress Keri Russell and today's hottest young stars, Felicity introduces us to a wide-eyed college freshman and the most exhilarating journey of all -- self-discovery. From co-creators and executive products J.J. Abrams and Matt Reeves, along with executive producers Brian Grazer, Ron Howard, and Tony Krantz comes Felicity, which explores the excitement and uncertainty of living in New York City -- a setting where anything goes andanything can happen. Experience Felicity's first taste of freedom and her relationships with Ben (Scott Speedman, Duets) and Noel (Scott Foley, Scream 3) -- again and anew.

Dear Felicity DVD Liner Notes,

I had an alien space craft crash into my garage years ago. The alien inside is anadorable, wisecracking creature, but he’s costing my family a fortune. How can I contain costs in thisdifficult economy but still enjoy our newfound family friend?

--Willie Tanner

Dear Willie,

Nobody ever said following your heart would be easy. Golden Globe Award-winner Keri Russell returns as Felicity, America's favorite coed, in FELICITY SOPHOMORE YEAR. As Felicity bounces back from her beginning-of-the-year breakup with high school love Ben, she adopts a new hairdo -- and a new perspective on life. Changing her major from pre-med to art, Felicity steps out to find herself and kindle new relationships. From mudslinging campus politics to Ben's end-of-the-season profession of true love, FELICITY SOPHOMORE YEAR is a whirlwind of passion, heartache, and those small decisions that can change your life forever.

Dear Felicity DVD Liner Notes,

I watch football every Sunday night with my pals Doug and Jason at the bar down the street. However, the past season, my wife has become extremely suspicious that I’m cheating on her and she’s quizzed me about every detail of my night. I want her to know she can trust me; yet I also feel like she shouldn’t be so suspicious to begin with. What should I do?

-A Fan in Fargo

Dear Fan,

What began four years ago as a bold journey of self-discovery culminates in Felicity's stunning senior year. Relive all the heartfelt moments, heartwarming laughs, and heartbreaking decisions of the award-winning show's final season, and discover the fate of each of your favorite characters. Will Felicity move on to a new life with Ben, or will she end up with Noel? It's 22 episodes of drama and excitement that will keep you captivated until the very last minute.

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Stale Wheat Thins Passed Off as Triscuits

Broadway's "Rodham & Gomorrah" Ends Eight-Year Run