U.S. Government Bails Out CW Network in Last-Ditch Effort to Salvage Something

WASHINGTON— The U.S. Government provided a $5 billion rescue package last week to the fledgling CW Television Network amidst growing concerns about the danger a collapse could pose to the female 18-34 demographic.

The action, announced by the Federal Reserve and America’s Next Top Model host Tyra Banks, was taken as the nation faces its most severe financial crisis since the 1930s.

“We are confident that a creatively resurgent and profitable CW will increase consumer confidence and boost the Dow Jones closer to the 12,000 mark,” said Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson.

With just days left in office, President Bush called the 111th Congress into an emergency session over the weekend to hear story pitches, deliver notes on scripts, and hold casting sessions.

"Spotted – Dan putting on the watch that Serena van der Woodson gave him last Christmas," read Bush from next week’s table draft of Gossip Girl. "Here’s an inside tip, Lonely Boy. The longer you wait, the more it’ll hurt. Hope that leather bound journal breaks your fall.”

"You know you love me. XOXO," he added.

The Obama administration gave a vote of confidence to the bailout at a press conference on Monday when Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel drew parallels between the great economic challenges ahead of this nation and the drama unfolding on One Tree Hill.

“We do not know what the future holds,” said Emanuel. “But we face the exciting possibility of dreams come true and the heartbreaking reality that being an adult isn't as easy as it seems.”

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pushed for sweeping storyline reforms across the Tuesday and Thursday night lineups.

"It is in our nation’s best interests that Luke Perry reprises his role as Dylan McKay on 90210 before the wedge separating Brenda and Kelly becomes insurmountable,” said Pelosi.

Reid added that Lex Luthor’s absence on Smallville this season opens the door for some exciting stunt casting. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman and Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank have reportedly inked to play villains later this season.

The step marks the beginning of a dramatic turnaround for the CW Network, which just last season was bleeding viewers and rumored to be on the chopping block. But its success in establishing a base of young female viewers and a clear brand identity led the Fed to take an active interest.