Congress Approves Bed Bath & Beyond Stimulus Package

WASHINGTON—In a bid to jumpstart the ailing economy and boost sales at the nation’s top domestics and home furnishings superstore, Congress voted to send Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to over 130 million American families this month.

The 20-percent off vouchers, which may be used at more than 880 Bed Bath & Beyond stores nationwide, can be redeemed for discounts on any one of hundreds of thousands of items.

“I’m very happy that the vast majority of Americans will have the opportunity to save on brand-name and private label table linens, pillow shams and picture frames,” Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nevada, told reporters. But he expressed dismay the coupons omit a number of provisions Democrats had sought, including the ability to save on multiple items and premium brands such as Baby Planet, Margaritaville and Tommy Bahama, measures that Senate Republicans opposed.

The agreement came shortly after Treasury Secretary-designate Timothy Geithner urged Congress to move quickly to aid Americans who are struggling to purchase bed linens, patio furniture, and small household appliances.

“While many American families already receive these generous monthly discounts, we believe that the added incentive to buy items such as the Cuisinart Supreme Commercial Quality Ice Cream Maker, the Homedics Shiatsu Heated Neck Pillow, or the Ped Egg Foot File will inject millions of dollars into the economy at this very crucial juncture.”

Geithner added that if consumers find a lower price at a competitor, BB&B will meet that price. Exceptions may apply; prices only valid in the continental U.S. See store for details.

U.S. Government Bails Out CW Network in Last-Ditch Effort to Salvage Something

WASHINGTON— The U.S. Government provided a $5 billion rescue package last week to the fledgling CW Television Network amidst growing concerns about the danger a collapse could pose to the female 18-34 demographic.

The action, announced by the Federal Reserve and America’s Next Top Model host Tyra Banks, was taken as the nation faces its most severe financial crisis since the 1930s.

“We are confident that a creatively resurgent and profitable CW will increase consumer confidence and boost the Dow Jones closer to the 12,000 mark,” said Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson.

With just days left in office, President Bush called the 111th Congress into an emergency session over the weekend to hear story pitches, deliver notes on scripts, and hold casting sessions.

"Spotted – Dan putting on the watch that Serena van der Woodson gave him last Christmas," read Bush from next week’s table draft of Gossip Girl. "Here’s an inside tip, Lonely Boy. The longer you wait, the more it’ll hurt. Hope that leather bound journal breaks your fall.”

"You know you love me. XOXO," he added.

The Obama administration gave a vote of confidence to the bailout at a press conference on Monday when Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel drew parallels between the great economic challenges ahead of this nation and the drama unfolding on One Tree Hill.

“We do not know what the future holds,” said Emanuel. “But we face the exciting possibility of dreams come true and the heartbreaking reality that being an adult isn't as easy as it seems.”

Meanwhile, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pushed for sweeping storyline reforms across the Tuesday and Thursday night lineups.

"It is in our nation’s best interests that Luke Perry reprises his role as Dylan McKay on 90210 before the wedge separating Brenda and Kelly becomes insurmountable,” said Pelosi.

Reid added that Lex Luthor’s absence on Smallville this season opens the door for some exciting stunt casting. Connecticut Senator Joe Lieberman and Massachusetts Representative Barney Frank have reportedly inked to play villains later this season.

The step marks the beginning of a dramatic turnaround for the CW Network, which just last season was bleeding viewers and rumored to be on the chopping block. But its success in establishing a base of young female viewers and a clear brand identity led the Fed to take an active interest.

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